Tuesday, February 21st, 2006
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4:57 pm
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I come from a place
where people believe you
for what you are
and what you hope to become
I come from a place
where we are sheltered
and bred to believe life is perfect
nothing is wrong
until our world shatters around us
in a million tiny sprinkles of light
and we cry inside for what we have lost
though we don't really understand it
I come from a place of hurt
I come from a place of loss
I come from a place of not good enough
and too good
and never-can-touch my own hands
for fear of breaking them
I come from a place of warmth
I come from a place of love
I come from warm arms ensorcelling my body
in the cold of the morning
and the unforgiving light
I come from missed phone calls
and from a grey, rainy day
where everything changed
I come from a place of not knowing who I am
with choppy, purple hair
and dark eyes
and denying my own essence
and being forgiven
and accepted
and believed in
My first poem in...years??
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(comment on this)
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Sunday, November 27th, 2005
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1:01 am - 1-27-03
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That Children Tend to do
I held your hand once
I think we may have danced
in that silly, crazy way
children tend to do.
We would giggle together at lunchtime
and talk about what life would be like
when we grew up
and moved away from home
would we ever see each other?
As it turns out,
growing up is a difficult thing to do
and takes much longer than we planned
and you're still there, smiling at me
ready to giggle
waiting to dance
in that silly crazy way
that children tend to do
As the stakes rise
your friendship stays
far behind inside my memory
and in a frame I'm standing beside you
as if each moment were one we could touch
Little thoughts haunt me one by one
of places we went
where our parents would drive us
and I hope to find you one day
alone, in one of those special frames
dancing with me
in that silly, crazy way
that children tend to do.
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12:59 am - 1-8-03
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how would it be
to see what you see
to tell of such sadness
it consumes your whole world
and leaves you motionless
and alone
and still press on
from day to day
and smile at the stars
and kiss the face of dawn
I never could, I don't believe in sadness
I would like to know how you feel
how you love with your entire soul
how your gratitude eats you alive
in silent, sorrowful joy
that leaves you so numb you can't feel anything
but your heart pulsing in your chest
and the touch from their fingertips
on your mouth
Not that I could, I don't believe in love.
I wish I could hear your sounds
the sound of dirty poets' children in the streets
the sound of the woman who begs for money
selling crocheted blankets for 5 dollars each
her quiet frustration at the people passing
who pretend she isn't there
or the sound of water
from far away,
washing the hands of an old woman
and her grandchild
This is impossible, for I don't believe in trust
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12:58 am - Old poetry (1-23-03)
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I have decided to post old poetry that I find, so this can be the most comprehensive collection of my poetry.
An Embrace
I like to think I hold your heart in my fist
an inverted fairy tale in indistinct color
abstract fingers of rage brush your lips,
and I realize that you do not love me.
I speak to your shadows long ago forgotten
yet I never touch you
Somehow you hold me still
despite the lost circle of self-defeat
I lie every time I see your eyes
I panick when you touch me
yet I never loved anyone as much as you
Your smile is lost in rings of fire
reaching in to strangle the living and raise the dead
and still I wonder, what is it all for?
I see no reason to guard you in my memory
wasted space that keeps your scent
and yet there is no love, no desire
Foggy mist surrounds my head
and I wonder how to let you go
Don't look to me anymore
my mind is blank and filled with lies
but I am certain
that I never, ever loved you.
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Friday, October 21st, 2005
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9:26 pm
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A book of broken pain hidden away
Old scars, bad poetry, forgotten lust
What does it all mean?
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Friday, March 5th, 2004
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10:58 am
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He left her in early March, when the world around her was plunged in a flurry of snow. He left her and she wept. She would never forgive her father for his abandonment, and she would never forget the cold patch of snow under her bare feet as she watched him drive away for the last time. A small rag doll that her grandmother had given her fell to the ground beside her, its soiled face blending in perfectly with the mud. She imagined the doll cried, and there was nothing she could do to make little Bella feel better. Bella was her grandmother's name, and she had changed the doll's name from Atari to Bella to honor her when she died. The little girl understood it was not her grandmother's fault she had to go, but she was old enough to understand that her father had a new wife and daughter and didn't need her anymore. She looked down at Bella, whose once beautiful yellow dress had turned brown and spotty. Torn in places from when she would be left in the corner and when her dress would snag on one of the nails crookedly jutting out of the wall.
And Bella cried.
current mood:  melancholy
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Thursday, December 11th, 2003
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11:17 am
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I pulled a withered leaf from a tree
and read my words from its surface
Words of lust, naive and silly
and I imagined you laughing at me
I pulled her sister down next
and read my words of anger
A tantrum I only wished to spit at you
and I imagined you crying
I pulled another leaf from the top of the tree
and began scribing words of love
from a special place inside of me
that you would never see
current mood:  creative
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Monday, August 11th, 2003
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11:14 pm
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slowly erasing memory of you
I have forgotten your name.
and how much I hated you
with such love
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1:59 am - Requiem for a Memory
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I don't know where I tresspass
untrodden territory thinking I am welcome
your heart, your mind, I felt we were close
shoved to the curb for my aspirations
I have never seen someone so ugly on the inside
so devoid of maturity
so absent of devotion
and I am not sorry I tresspassed
I should have turned the other way
young and idealistic as if I could change you
only a fool would breathe your name on her lips
but I am not sorry for loving you.
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Tuesday, July 15th, 2003
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10:20 am
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it really doesn't matter anymore
bits of me torn apart each day
told and retold that I will never be
all that she has been to you
She gave birth to your child
I only have your heart
she is entitled to your family
and I am a secret in the dark
And I often wonder how much you think of her
though you tell me I'm insane
and that's when another part of me
is torn off and floats away
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Wednesday, May 28th, 2003
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10:04 am
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Slip me into your madness
Take me in your hand and squeeze
as if you could break me
Take away the elements
leaving only you and me
in a violent, turbulent
thunderstorm of mixed truths
and disappointed smiles
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Monday, March 24th, 2003
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11:15 am - Was it wrong of me?
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Was it wrong of me to say I'd marry you
but I don't want to have your children?
I don't know anymore
if it hurts you, it hurts me,
and I was a fool to think I could let you go
it was too easy
at the time, being young and selfish
and thinking the only people who mattered
were you and me
and you called me your soulmate
I don't know what to say to that any more
except I love you,
I'll always love you
but we can't fool ourselves
in ignorant bliss any longer
because things will never be
exciting, fresh, and new
because you have your children
and I have my life
and we have each other
and nothing can compare to that.
current mood:  anxious
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Tuesday, March 18th, 2003
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4:14 pm - Woman
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She is woman
beautiful woman, mysterious woman,
other woman
she is who moves in the night
and sleeps in the shadows
she is anger, she is truth
she is jealousy
she doesn't love and doesn't care
and she feels the emptiness
of washed out lost years
of love and life
that have forgotten her
She is lonely, she is broken
she is dark
she is light
she is woman
current mood: artistic
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Wednesday, March 5th, 2003
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2:13 pm - Bittersweet
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Why do you touch my face
don't you know I hate it
when you smile into my eyes
and tell me how beautiful I am
don't you know that makes it more difficult
to leave you alone
Don't you know you flatter me
in ways I never imagined
and don't you know I love you
with as much resentment as I can muster
why can't you leave me alone
and kick my heart around a little bit
maybe that would make it easier
to let you go
And maybe if I step on your toes
and punch you in the jaw
maybe then you'll say you hate me
or you'll love me even more
saying 'you're cute when you're angry'
I think that would make me cry
because I would realize
there's no getting rid of you
and I really don't care
current mood:  annoyed
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Monday, March 3rd, 2003
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2:26 pm - Meet me in front of the room where we kissed where you changed me...
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Wednesday, February 26th, 2003
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10:45 am - Sad sad rhyming attempt.
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I last saw you long ago
you whispered in my ear
you kissed my cheek
and said good-bye
and told me, 'I'm always here'
It seems so far away now
all these distant memories
of holding hands
and disneyland
and you right next to me
You tell me that I hurt you
and that it's hard to forgive
I tell you that I miss you still
but there's nothing left to give.
current mood: sad
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Wednesday, February 19th, 2003
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10:54 am
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I guess one day I had to tell you good-bye
words so gentle you whispered in my ear
'I will always love you', you said
'don't ever forget it'.
And like a naive child, I believed in you.
I trusted you
And somehow, the only anger I feel
is directed at myself
for trusting you
for believing you
and for openly devoting my life to you
and laying my bare soul at your feet
when you had barely even afforded me a glance
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Tuesday, February 18th, 2003
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2:05 pm - Song of the Moment - How Can You Mend a Broken Heart
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Sunday, February 16th, 2003
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6:28 pm - Fallen Innocence
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I've fallen again and I can't get up
for another man that will leave tomorrow
when did this get so easy?
Emptiness haunts my bright red lipstick
and my dark eyeliner
I don't want your help
I don't want your pity
I want to curl up in my silk sheets
and wish it all away
as if by somehow praying hard enough
I could bring my innocence back
current mood:  cheerful
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Thursday, February 13th, 2003
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12:52 pm - Maybe
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What is it about me
I can't let anything go
I can't take things seriously
I laugh too much
cry too often
and lose what I could have had
at least twice a day
and what is it about me
that makes me not care
that the world is ending
and the sun is going out
what is it about me that makes you smile
in some place inside yourself
that you will not share
what is it about you
that keeps me coming back for more
even though we're not perfect
and what is it about your gentle smile
and steady personality
that attracts my flighty spirit
perhaps I could tell you
if I could sit down long enough
to think about it
Instead, I will stay happy to call you my friend
your gentle kindness is never lost on me
and maybe while I'm out playing
and falling down
and getting hurt
and you keep picking me up
and kissing my scraped cheeks better
I'll realize how beautiful you are
and I'll pick you up
and take you home with me
to stay.
I'm not really sure what this one means, it just came out. Go figure.
current mood:  contemplative
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